I've been dreading writing this post, mostly because I fear adverse reactions, but now that we know we'll be traveling soon, it's time to talk about some hard stuff. I wished I had done this type of blog entry on Liv’s blog in 2007. Perhaps it would have shed some light on why we made some of the decisions that we did.
Attachment refers to the indisputable bond between a parent and a child. When a child is born, everyone marvels at how the baby turns his head upon hearing his mother's voice. Even less than one day old, a child knows who his mother is. When a child is separated from his mother, as in being placed for adoption, that child suffers a loss. He no longer knows who his mother is.
Louis was placed with his foster family after being in the nursery at Eastern Social Welfare Society for eight weeks. It is common for adoptive parents to go and help in the nursery while they are in Korea. We did this in 2007 and I would say there are easily 40+ babies there with only a few nurses. Thankfully, Louis was finally placed with a foster family where he has been given the opportunity to form a new attachment to a consistent and loving caregiver.
We are anxiously waiting for our travel call, but Louis is not waiting for us. He will be approximately 16 months old when we go get him. Within that time span, upon entering our family, he will have suffered the loss of his birth-mother, nursery caregivers, foster brother, and foster family. He will suffer the loss of his birth-country, language, food, smells, and everything familiar to him. He will be placed in the arms of two odd-looking strangers, board a plane full of odd people, and enter a new home with weird smells, weird animals (dogs), weird food, and unfamiliar surroundings. Despite the fact that he will only be 16 months old, it will take time for him to trust us, to bond with us, to attach to us. And he will grieve his losses.
This is where parenting through adoption differs greatly from parenting through birth. When a child is born through birth, as previously discussed, he knows who his mother is. He can be held and played with by others, yet still turns his head upon hearing his mother's voice. Upon entering our family, Louis will not have that biological connection to us. He will not know who his parents are, and it's our job to develop that connection and attachment over time. How do we do that? By being loving, consistent care givers and by being his only care givers for a certain amount of time.
This is where the discussion gets tough, because the last thing we want to do is push well-meaning, excited family and friends away during this most exciting time for us, but if you think about this logically, it makes sense. If Louis is held, fed, and cared for by multiple, inconsistent care givers shortly after being placed in our family, how will he discern who his new parents are? Plain and simple, he won't. How long will it take Louis to attach to us? We don't know, because every child is different.
The best thing we can do at this point is to help family and friends understand that we will need some space once Louis arrives. We will need time to bond as a family, and we will need people to understand that there are good reasons for keeping him all to ourselves for awhile. In the end, the more quickly he becomes comfortable with us, the more quickly we can start introducing him to new people and places. And we need you to trust that our understanding about attachment comes from experience, classes through our agency, articles, books, research, and personal accounts from other adoptive families.
Thanks in advance for your support and understanding!
Thank you to Jen W., a fellow adoptive parent, who granted me permission to tailor her words to the entry above. I wish I could be as articulate with these things as she is!
